The first thing I want to explain is that I am not claiming ‘awakening’ has happened to me as some badge of reaching the exalted destination. I’m not actually that interested in the theory of awakening, or of who awakens and who doesn’t, or all the stuff that currently goes around the (particularly) non dual circuit.
I am much more interested in talking about our natural state, which is there before during and after ‘awakening.’
I prefer a conversation that is about what happens when all the ego games, defenses, attacks, all the false structures that uphold an illusory or imagined self, come tumbling down.
I am interested in becoming authentic and open while I am experiencing this relative life. So a disembodied awakening that denies all human experience is not my thing I’m afraid.
The ‘all life is illusion’ camp does little for me and offers no conversation. Of course it’s an illusion. The Matrix was an illusion. But still it’s there and still we must exist in the illusion until it disappears upon our departure.
Death ends the illusion, not denial.
So that said, let me explore a little my ‘story’ as it pertains to this relationship.
It has taken a full 16 years for me to bloom. That is the length of my relationship with Amoda. Before that I had done a lot of transformation in the form of deep and wild shamanic exploration, I had therapies for addictions, and had certainly broken the ice in terms of getting deeper into my inner world.
But nothing like this last 16 years.
It has honestly been like living with a master as my personal teacher. That’s not to say its always been easy for me. But I have shown up and been available and willing to open, and that has been a huge part of the change.
This Relationship changed me, or allowed me the opportunity to change. It stopped me in my tracks. It said, ’No, you cant play your games here. You cant play entanglement, you can’t project past wounding and trauma onto me. You cant foist your abandonment issues on me. I don’t need you that much that I will allow you to manipulate or barter with me. I’m not available for bullying, or pleading, or pleasing.’
That refusal, and it came from Amoda, forced me into a position.
It forced me to stop, and face the truth. And that meant I had to make some decisions.
Either continue to play the games, and risk this love, and try and exert control and power over her.
Or face my self and burn in the fire of my discomfort. It was this existential decision that I faced over and over again, that laid the ground of an awakening entirely built on love. As the one who sought entanglement and power, or sorrow, or suffering, became weaker and weaker, so something else emerged.
The natural one, the true one, the open and honest one.
I peeked out from behind my defenses. I looked out from the fortress where I had hidden for 30, 40 years, and slowly slowly, like a dog that can’t fight its true nature, I came out. And as I came out and found it was safe, so I came out more and more, for longer and longer. Until there was no more coming out and going back.
Eventually all defense, all guardedness, all notion of back and forth, vanished and I was whole and innocent again.
It took time. And it went fast.
You cannot know how grateful I am to this relationship.